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Sunday, January 20, 2008

I Saw The Witch Doctor

This was my favorite article! Because I just looooove sarcasm. And because I really, really needed to vent about all the ridiculous but "proven" advice I had been getting all through the years of trying to have a child. Everyone had something to say. And honestly? I didn't want to hear it. I will have to tell you about the one girl in the our married-student ward that actually questioned my testimony! Seriously! I wanted to punch her! In fact...I still want to punch her!

Any way...this was originally published in December 2001, right before the president went off the deep end. My last one!


Women trying to conceive seem to be a magnet for unusual/alternative/ridiculous advice. It’s almost like finding a cure for hiccups: everyone has his or her own ideas. I’ve collected my favorite “witch doctor” remedies, as told to me by well meaning or busybody individuals. I’ve added the things that go through my head as I am smiling, nodding and trying not to grit my teeth.

Drink a full glass of orange juice right before, without taking a breath – Tasty and refreshing but I’m not sure why this is supposed to work.

Stand on your head after – Not only is it not scientifically proved to help but it sure can put a crick in your neck.

Raise your legs in the air for 15 minutes just after – Whoa, Nelly! Ever want to test your ab muscles? Try this one.

Eat lots of beans – Sure, beans have folic acid but I can think of less fragrant ways to get my folic acid.

Place a pillow under the female’s tush - Is that a down or fiberfill pillow? Maybe I’ve been using the wrong kind. Ooooo, how ‘bout one of the big body pillows? Would that make me have twins?

Keep the lights on during – This one is just weird.

Don’t sneeze – While sneezes sure can sneak the pee out of you, they don’t do much hindering of reproduction.

Sleep over at a friend’s house – Apparently, the male’s instinctual hormones will activate in the close proximity of another alpha male, causing him to create “super semen.” Don’t know about that but my husband sure does leap to my rescue every time I see a spider.

Take cough syrup – While one of the ingredients is proven to thin cervical muscles, cough syrup isn’t a magic potion.

Fast, pray, and attend church every week – Check, check, and check. Still no baby.

Have relations everyday – Actually, this may hurt more than it helps. Males with a low sperm count need 36-48 hours to replenish the supply. And when both partners are working full-time so they can afford treatments that actually work, there’s just no time!

Don’t go to the bathroom for at least 1 hour – So what about that glass of orange juice? It has to come out sometime…And dare I tell them that the urinary tract and the vagina are in no way connected to each other?

Hold babies as much as possible – I’ve been doing that since I was 8 and it hasn’t worked yet. Besides, the more I hold them, the more I wonder if the mother would notice if I start walking away.

And my personal favorite:
JUST RELAX – In the midst of our infertility woes, we went to Hawaii for a week where we did nothing but lounge on the beach and the most stress came from choosing which flower to stick in our smoothies. Now that was relaxed! But all I got was this lousy T-shirt, no baby. Maybe we should try it again, without the stressful smoothies…


Debi said...

I don't know Jess, my mom SWEARS by one of those old wives tales...claims that's how she got my little sister.... :)

Kristie said...

Ha! Ha! Ha! I couldn't help but laugh at that one!!!! I must admidt, it is just like the hiccup thing! :)

Amanda said...

LOL!!!! You are so funny!

Amber said...

When we (finally) got pregnant my MIL's said, 'you guys must be living right, you're being blessed.'

I countered, 'good thing we've repented of whatever it was that was preventing us from getting pregnant for the last 3 years.'

That sentiment bugs me. People who aren't 'living right' get pregnant all the time, as well as people who don't want or can't care for a baby. Ugg.

eh said...

This made me laugh and laugh. I've never been able to figure out why for the most part, sex is a taboo subject, until you can't get pregnant, and then it's everybody's business. Thank goodness for those busy bodies though, or else we never would have learned that we actually needed to be HAVING SEX to have a baby. Who Knew?

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