Mothering Moments: Good Parenting

Being a mother is hard work. There's the long hours, breaking up fights, constantly picking up, endless laundry, and meals to prepare. Not to mention very little pay, unless you shun cash and prefer crayon artwork on your walls, "shared" sticky candy, and someone eating all the Little Debbie's so you don't ruin your diet. You are supposed to mold them into decent human beings and guide their path as best you can. Being a mom is not for the faint-hearted.

But every now and then, a brief spark of happiness shines through, and all the stretch marks and mom jeans are worth it. I had one of those rare glimpses one Saturday while the kids were watching Harry Potter: The Prisoner of Azkaban. This conversation testified that I am doing the very best for my kids.

Baby: Why is Doctor Who in Harry Potter?

Boo: Because he's playing the bad guy.

Baby: Doctor Who is not a bad guy! He's the Doctor!

(Baby proceeds to be indignant about her sister's claims while Boo attempts to explain the concept of actors.)

Isn't being a mother great?

A Mothering Moment: Getting Pulled Over

The other day, I was driving home after taking my kids to music lessons and we were having an interesting conversation (about what kinds of babies mythical beasts would have…you know, the important topics). I was less than a block from home when I noticed flashing lights behind me. I changed into the far left lane, letting the policeman pass me to catch the bad guys. He pulled right behind me.

Uh oh. I was the bad guy.

Apparently, while discussing the complex offspring of a mermaid and a phoenix, I had stopped at a red light. However, instead of waiting for the light to change, I treated it more like a stop sign, waited a moment, and then drove right through. As if that wasn't bad enough, the cop had been in the next lane and I had passed right by him without noticing.

Well, it was a fascinating discussion with three kids, ages 10 and under, and their quirky perspectives.

After the policeman took my license and registration back to his car (laughing under his breath), the kids start in on me.

Baby: Are you gonna get arrested?
Yes, Baby, because your mother's misspent youth as a street thug has finally caught up with her in Suburbia.

Boy: You deserve to get a ticket.
Gee, thanks. And you probably deserve to be grounded for some reason that I've currently forgotten, but will nonetheless enforce.

Boo: Wow, Mom. You're really setting a great example for us.
Et tu, Boo-te? (But props on the elegant use of sarcasm.) And she totally started the conversation, so really, this is all her fault.

Fortunately, I was let go with just a warning (and the cop was still laughing). It was really lucky for me, considering it was the Man's birthday and the trendy shirt I got him would be disappointing enough to my fashion-impaired spouse without the added pain of an expensive traffic ticket.

Moral of the story:
Contemplate the troubles of a water-born creature that bursts into flames, but keep an eye on the traffic signals.

Worthwhile Moments

You know those times when your kids help renew your commitment to birth control? Like when your son jumps on the tube of Desitin, thoroughly working it into the carpet, just because it feels cool. Or when your infant daughter decides to messily expel the contents of her colon, quickly exceeds her diaper's capacity, resulting in a goopy mess down your brand new white pants. Or the first time you get a call from your kid's teacher because of his/her new vocabulary choices.

And don't even get me started on what pregnancy does to a perfectly nice figure.

Well, I have some examples of those little moments when having kids around is actually pleasant, if not downright hilarious:

With my kids running around the room, I was talking with a hair stylist friend about a perm I'd gotten that, unfortunately, turned frizzy. When I asked her what I could do about it, her advice was to "condition the hell out of it."
Moments later, I was walking with Boo and noticed she had been usually quiet. So I asked her what was on her mind.
"Mom?" Boo asked, her eyes wide. "Does hell make your hair frizzy?"
Am I evil if I told her yes, so she could be careful about sinning?

---

During church, a teacher was explaining how Jesus is our shepherd and that we are His sheep. That was a bit too literal for the 3 and 4 year olds, who immediately began refuting the claim that they were wooly animals. But Baby thought for a moment.
"My dad has a hairy face and a hairy belly," she said, "so he could be a sheep."

---

As a surprise, I took the kids to McDonald's. After jumping out of the van, the Boy expressed his thanks through dance, specifically with the "Gangham Style" horse dance.
---

Baby was having a milkshake when she looked at us, completely stunned.
"Hey!" she said. "There's ice cream in this!"
As opposed to what? Broccoli?


Let's just see if they can keep it up...

Mothering Moments: Avoiding Night Terrors

If you, as the mother, have an overactive imagination, then chances are, your darling daughter has inherited that same trait. And along with it, your love for books, particularly those that involve the supernatural. So your current research project on local ghost stories will not go unnoticed. As you are reading through a website that details several of these local alleged hauntings in places where your daughter has visited before, you might not object when she snuggles up and reads with you. However, as soon as her father mentions bedtime approaching, you might suddenly remember that your darling daughter is a lot like you, and therefore frequently has nightmares inspired by the scary stuff in books, or things from school…or websites about ghosts. Now you're starting to feel foolish, like that time when you were a teenager babysitting a five-year-old and you let her watch "The Howling" with you. That didn't have a positive outcome.

So you open a new tab and do a quick search for "cute hamster pictures." After giggling over a few sites, you even click over to LOL cats and snort chuckle over more silly animals. Then she happily skips off to bed.

The next morning, when she tells you about the weird dream she had where ghost hamsters kept trying to climb the ladder into her bed, then you have only yourself to blame.

Mothering Moments: The "Talk" Doesn't Need to Include Details

Soooo…

Boo is at that age where having "the Talk" is necessary. It's never an easy task. In fact, I don't even have my own experience to draw upon because my parents never gave sat me down to explain the birds and the bees. Years later, I asked my mom about this. She said that it's a horribly embarrassing thing to talk about and she knew I'd get the information from my older siblings, friends, and the class they give you at school. True enough. Most of my enlightening happened one afternoon while talking with my friends on the way to the library in the third grade.  And my mom was totally right about the embarrassing part. Although as a teenager, my mom and I had a great relationship and I could easily talk to her about anything so I wasn't naive or ignorant.

But back to the Boo. At her age, she asks a LOT of questions. I'm more of a bare basics kind of mom. If she wants more information later on, we can go over that but right now the emphasis is on our bodies being sacred creations given to us by God and our responsibility to care for and protect them. Other people must respect our bodies. And if they don't, tell a teacher or parent immediately. So we're got that covered.

Then there are the kids at school that tell her other things, things we haven't discussed and frankly don't really want to at this point. But because she not old enough to be embarrassed by asking about these little details, she just shoots away.

Boo: Hey, Mom?
Me: Yes? (I'm not quite tearing my eyes away from the book I'm reading).
Boo: Do you and Daddy touch tongues?
Me: Uh… (Eyes bugging out for a moment there as my book falls out of my hands.)
Boo: Do you?
Me: That sounds pretty gross, don't you think?
Boo: Yeah. (Nodding seriously) It totally does.

Crisis averted! No need elaborate on the different styles of kissing because she's convinced that the idea is utterly unappealing. We'll cross that bridge when having a boyfriend means something other than the kid who saves a seat for you on the bus.

Animated Animosity

The other morning Baby had a funny look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong, she replied by throwing up. So she spent the day on the couch with her favorite blanket, watching cartoons, which means I was right there with her. Here are a few observations:

• There are far too many kids' shows featuring pigs. What is it with pigs? They look weird, are smelly, aren't at all cuddly, and it's just odd to have them walking on two legs, with their knees all backwards and such. I think the cartoon executives ought to learn from the Germans and feature a loaf of bread instead.
• 
  
• The opinion I formed of Dora the Explorer years ago still holds with child #3.
• 
  
• While watching said "unsupervised child," my daughter was completely focused on helping Dora reach her destination. Toward the end of the show when it came time to climb a ladder, Baby was asked to put her hands out in front of her and help Dora climb. Baby didn't miss a beat and replied in a very stern voice "You're a big girl now, Dora. and big girls need to try all by yourself before I help you." Gee, maybe I've been saying that a lot lately or something.
• 
  
• Why is it that some cartoon characters can spend the entire show running around buck nekkid, but when it's time to go swimming, they put on swimming suits? Really, what's the point by then?
• 
  
• When I mention that I don't like Max & Ruby, other parents usually concur, stating how Ruby is just soooo bossy. But it's not Ruby; it's Max. Ruby isn't exactly mean about her instructions. Heck, their parents are nowhere to be seen (probably eaten by a wolf) so she's just doing the best she can. And Max constantly disobeys. And when he disobeys? It ends up being the right thing to do! Anyone with an annoyingly perfect little brother knows what I mean.
• 
  
• I have to remember that these shows are geared toward the preschool age-range, so I won't over-think the plots. For instance, if the three clues in Steve's handy dandy notebook are a mat, a twirling thingy, and a leotard, then don't assume that Blue wants to be Olympic gymnast. That stream of thinking is way too high level for a show that features salt and paper shakers that gave birth to paprika.

After an afternoon as a captive audience, I have to say that cartoons might have actually raised my IQ. Hey, I learned how to say "jump" in Spanish, the life stages of a caterpillar and the effects on bug friendships, and how easily a koala bear's feelings can get hurt by ants. Much more productive than cleaning a house that gets torn up every afternoon anyway.

Mothering Moments: You'll Never Pee Alone

Most people would adore the idea of an admiring crowd following them everywhere. Those people obviously aren't mothers.

Moms are used to the masses of small ones shadowing their every move, back and forth between rooms and laundry area, up and down stairs, all while keeping up a breathlessly running commentary on the mother's actions. Even a trip to the bathroom does not go unattended. And should the mother attempt to close the door between them, her offspring will loudly protest being cut off from their idol, punctuating this injustice with pounding fists and feet. The more timid little ones might decide that if they can't be entirely in the same room with her, then perhaps just a portion of themselves might suffice, and will content themselves with sticking their fingers, toes, and noses under the door, ever questioning if they are seen.

Now, a word of warning. Should you decide that your time in the bathroom is better spent not yelling at your kids to be quiet or insisting that those fingers can be seen just as easily when you're done, you might leave the door open. This might become such a regular event that you soon think nothing of leaving the bathroom door open during all your visits. But be careful about getting too lax in your attention to details here. It's too easy to fall into a habit, regardless of the situation.

Leaving the door open every time you use the restroom is not advisable.

Because you might not think about it and find yourself leaving the door ajar during a trip to the bathroom in the middle of Sunday dinner...

…when you have company over.

A Mothering Moment: Packing

As a mother with growing children, you might be tempted to give your brood tasks in which they are entirely responsible - with very little checking on your part -  so those little people will learn about consequences.

This is not a good idea.

Carefully explain that the trip will last three days so your (highly intelligent, possibly genius) child will need three sets of clothes including: pants, shirt, underwear, and socks. Let him/her happily gather items and stash them in their own backpack. Then, send them on to another important task. But check the bag! Otherwise, this could be the scene in your hotel on the second day of your trip:

The Man: Boy, you really need to put on clean socks.
Boy: But I only have one clean sock.
The Man: Wait, what?
Boy: Mom said to bring three socks. I wore two yesterday so I only have one left.
The Man: Three pairs of socks.
Boy: Oh...that makes more sense.

Mothering Moment: Little Sister Vs. Earrings

If your eldest daughter happens to like silly earrings that are made from foam or modeling clay or some other non-metal substance, be sure to keep those earrings up out of reach of your toddler. Because when she's supposed to be sleeping, the toddler will actually pull all the backs off her sister's earrings. Then she'll decided that those bright orange dinosaurs look a lot like her fruit snacks.

And just in case...super glue will put the earring back together but isn't very good at filling in the tooth marks.

A Mothering Moment: Sandwiches

Here are various options on how to make a sandwich for your 2-year-old to achieve optimal results.

• Make a peanut butter sandwich. Your toddler gets a nice lunch but may possibly hurl a milk cup at you for no apparent reason.
• 
  
• Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Your toddlers gets a nice lunch and may refrain from ear-splitting scream for the next three minutes.
• 
  
• Make a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Your toddler gets a nice lunch and gives your plenty of sticky grins.
• 
  
• Make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, using a cookie cutter to make things a little more interesting. Your toddler gets a nice lunch and is so inspired by your creativity that he or she spends the rest of the afternoon recreating Van Gogh's "Starry Night" with crayons.
• 
  
• Make a peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwich. Your toddler gets a nice lunch, will be accepted to Harvard on a full scholarship, and will have you featured in Time Magazine as the "Best Mommy Ever!"

Hey, Look! I'm Posting!

I recently took the kids to a fun kid-oriented movie by myself. We went during Baby's morning naptime. I figured, she'd be low-key and cuddly, like she normally is that time of day. The movie had lots of action to keep my Star Wars-obsessed Boy entertained. AND there was popcorn. Boo would happily sell her soul for popcorn. Instead, I discovered a whole new level of my own personal hell.

Baby is weaning off the morning nap and instead of sitting calmly in my lap, she wanted to walk up and down the aisle of the dark theater, testing out all the strollers and carseats in her path.

The Boy proceeded to raise "freaking out" to a whole new level during the action portions, which caused me to split myself in two, so I could console him while chasing an escaping Baby.

Then? I forgot to bring money. No popcorn for Boo so she was less than pleased when asked to help with her siblings.

With one child stowing away in carseats, another hiding under his seat trying not to cry too loud, and a third pouting over her miserable life, it's a wonder we didn't leave after ten minutes. But we stuck it out and I promised myself all the homemade chocolate pudding I could whip up that evening. But we certainly weren't going back to the movies, at least not until all kids were in college.

That evening after the kids were in bed, I heard the usual giggling and chatting after hours. And what were they doing, you ask? Why, recreating their favorite scenes from the movie, of course! They keep asking me when we are going again, even promising to use their own money for tickets and treats.

I guess I had better stock up on pudding-making supplies. (And find a babysitter for Baby.)

Do you have any secrets to making a trip to the movies not end up as fodder for my therapist?

A Mothering Moment...that dissolved into fits of giggles and snorting

I am not allowed to give details about the drama/stress/agony that's been saturating our humble family but I will say this...

It's a lot harder than you think to explain kidney stones to kids.

And when you've got a stone right there in your collection cup, it's even harder to do it with a straight face.

A Mothering Moment?

So...I'm sick. Still. This has been dragging out for nearly three weeks! I went to the doctor for the second time today and now have two new prescriptions, both of which make it hazardous to operate heavy machinery. There goes my guest appearance at the rendering plant!

I left church early on Sunday because I thought that the other members of the congregation would much rather hear the speakers as opposed to my constant coughing. When my loving family returned home at the usual time, I may or may not have been passed out in bed, with more than one medication in my system, humidifier cranked up to "Tropical Rain Forest during Monsoon Season", and pillows over my head. This is what happened:

Kids: (much noise and adulation over church being over for another week)
The Man: Hey, you need to be quiet! Mom is asleep upstairs!
Kids: (blinking in disbelief) Mom is in bed? But she hasn't made our lunch yet...

At least they miss me when I'm gone, right?

A Warning to Others

Here's a little tip for ya:

If - when arriving at a very exciting water park - you ask your six-year-old to put sunscreen on your back when all she really wants to do is go down the water slide, she might be a little distracted and not do a very good job...


And? It's just as hard to put sunscreen on your own back as it is to take a picture of what lack-of-sunscreen looks like.

A Mothering Moment: Obedience

Dear children,

Sometimes, when I am frantically calling your name all over the neighborhood, it's not because you are in trouble or it's time to come home. It might just be because the ice cream truck is on our street and your chubby loving mother wants to know what you'd like from the ice cream man. You had better listen and answer me quickly! Next time, it might just be the puppy truck.


Crazy Aunt Lyn came to visit us last week. We had a great time (which is why I didn't get hardly any blogging done, as it is hard to blog and laugh yourself silly at the same time). Even though she's been gone for a while, I still hear frequent inquiries regarding their aunt. Wish they missed me that much when I leave!

Mothering Moment...for Mothers of Teens by Jessica G.

If you notice your teenage boy suddenly stop sulking and start staring at the mother carrying her infant in a carseat, please, please inform that poor woman that she missed a button (or three) after her last nursing session and is baring her ultra frumpy nursing brassiere to the world. This may help you avoid an awkward conversation with your son later.

And she will appreciate it immensely.

"A Mothering Moment" by Jessica G. - #3

If you are going to go through all the trouble to haul the blasted, bulky diaper bag into the grocery store and have it take up valuable cart space, then you had better be sure there are actually *diapers* in there should your baby decide that Aisle 5 is a good place to empty her bowels.

P.S.
But hey! Macey's offers a free diaper if you're having an emergency. We were definitely having an emergency.

************

AND? Mamarazzi is having a swap! I've done one before and it was really fun so I can't wait to see what comes in the mail for this one!

Another Mothering Moment by Jessica G.

Just because you are sleep deprived does not mean you should finish off your husband's Dr Pepper. This is not a good idea for two reasons:

1. You haven't have caffeine for a couple months now and the large amount in Dr Pepper will cause you to stay wide awake until the wee hours of the morning, where you will start to seriously consider whether you can trade your poor, ragged soul to the devil for some rest.
2. When the buzz finally fades and you start to crash, your baby will take the opportunity to demand some quality time. Despite your previous practice, the concept of "nursing" will confuse your already befuddled mind; not to mention how it will irritate the poop out of your hungry infant.
   

End results? Everyone is crying.



And in other news...
Thanks to everyone for your birthday wishes for the Man! He said after reading that he considered commenting on my blog. For the first time. Ever. It's so nice that he supports me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I seem to have some sarcasm dripping all over my keyboard...

A Mothering Moment by Jessica G.

You can't really bond with your baby until she has spit up in your mouth.

I've brushed my teeth three times and I'm still gagging.