Practically Joking

I like to play pranks on my kids. It makes being a responsible adult all the more fun. Unfortunately, my children have inherited my sense of humor…

One morning, I walked into my room to find that my bed had been made. Awwww, so sweet. It wasn't until later that night as I was getting into bed that I noticed something out of the ordinary. Sitting on my pillow was a rather large black bug. When I lived in Texas, it wasn't all that unusual to find a massive water bug roaming around. They look like fat cockroaches that were raised on steroids and fatty foods. But I hadn't seen any in Utah…until now.

After several moments of staring at it while my heart pounded in my throat, I realized it wasn't moving. Could it be dead? I blew on it, something that always sent them scurrying in the past. Nothing. Then I saw the seams. It was plastic. I was going to murder da Boo. This happened several more times with different bugs…although the bright blue spider didn't fool me for a moment. I couldn't let this go on unanswered. Something had to be done.

Then we went on vacation near a National Park. I plotted my attack and even brought the Man in on my grand plans. It was going to be epic. Since lizards were rampant in the park, I found the perfect realistic lizard. Revenge would be mine. Oh yes, it would be mine.

After the kids were sleeping, I placed the lizard on the arm of the sofa bed. When Boo reached for her glasses in the morning, there was no way she would miss it. I went to bed and waited for the shrieking…

…but nothing happened. The next morning went along like any other day. Maybe she hadn't seen it? No, she pointed it out to her brother that night, showing him the "fake lizard." Shucks.

I've lost my touch.

Worthwhile Moments

You know those times when your kids help renew your commitment to birth control? Like when your son jumps on the tube of Desitin, thoroughly working it into the carpet, just because it feels cool. Or when your infant daughter decides to messily expel the contents of her colon, quickly exceeds her diaper's capacity, resulting in a goopy mess down your brand new white pants. Or the first time you get a call from your kid's teacher because of his/her new vocabulary choices.

And don't even get me started on what pregnancy does to a perfectly nice figure.

Well, I have some examples of those little moments when having kids around is actually pleasant, if not downright hilarious:

With my kids running around the room, I was talking with a hair stylist friend about a perm I'd gotten that, unfortunately, turned frizzy. When I asked her what I could do about it, her advice was to "condition the hell out of it."
Moments later, I was walking with Boo and noticed she had been usually quiet. So I asked her what was on her mind.
"Mom?" Boo asked, her eyes wide. "Does hell make your hair frizzy?"
Am I evil if I told her yes, so she could be careful about sinning?

---

During church, a teacher was explaining how Jesus is our shepherd and that we are His sheep. That was a bit too literal for the 3 and 4 year olds, who immediately began refuting the claim that they were wooly animals. But Baby thought for a moment.
"My dad has a hairy face and a hairy belly," she said, "so he could be a sheep."

---

As a surprise, I took the kids to McDonald's. After jumping out of the van, the Boy expressed his thanks through dance, specifically with the "Gangham Style" horse dance.
---

Baby was having a milkshake when she looked at us, completely stunned.
"Hey!" she said. "There's ice cream in this!"
As opposed to what? Broccoli?


Let's just see if they can keep it up...

Best Decade Yet

Da Boo turned 10.
TEN, people! Double digits! I officially have a tween. So weird.

I am feeling far too decrepit and aged to put together a real post filled with nostalgic pictures. If you'd really like to see those, you can go here or here.

But I'd like to know how this…

Became this…

Seems like it happened overnight.

"With small children at home, the days are long, but the years are short."

Happy Birthday, Boo!

One Less Smile

We suffered a death in the family. It happened two days after I left to have my bionic upgrade. We were on our way to dinner when I got the phone call.

Peanut died. He was Boo's hamster; her first love.

So I couldn't be there as she cried over the phone. I couldn't hold her as her heart broke. And I wasn't next to her when she asked me why it hurt so much.

I cried and I hurt with her. But I had seen it coming. Peanut hadn't been himself in weeks. He wasn't filling his wheel with food and bedding, only to make it sound like a rock grinder when he ran on it at night. He stopped waiting by the door of his cage when Boo was getting ready for bed. He didn't sniff and dart around when out of his cage, preferring instead to curl up in Boo's hand. And he wasn't biting the Boy any more. He just wasn't himself.

Knowing what was coming, I tried to prepare Boo. Mostly she didn't believe me but toward the end, she started to admit that something wasn't right. And? I picked out a burial plot in the back garden. As much as it would suck, I had a plan to ease the blow.

Using a stepping stone kit from a craft store, Boo designed a headstone, complete with lettering. She fussed and fretted over it, re-starting her design a few times before she settled on fitting tribute.

Because our back area is not fenced, the Man gave specific instructions on the burial. Snowman dug a hole that was just over a foot deep and lined it with cedar chips. Peanut was buried in a fancy box that was originally a gift box. More cedar chips and then the dirt packed back in. The finished headstone was placed on top.

Thank you, Peanut, for being such a great pet! You are already missed.

Boo-tiful

My eldest, da Boo, is quite an interesting girl. When relatives ask what she likes, I say she has strange tastes but she's pretty easy to please. She wears sparkly shirts while hunting for bugs, invites Lego robot creations to her tea parties, and will read anything she gets her hands on (she even read my Twilight "graphic novel").

One thing she's asked Santa for this year is an amulet that will let her turn into an animal. In preparation for her new abilities, she's been practicing.

Here, she sports a tail. It's really the faux fur trim that unzips from her coat hood. But to her, it's an encounter with the wild and magical, as she anticipates roaming the hills as a wolf. Who else would have thought of that? Well, maybe me when I was her age. Sad to admit it but my dorkiness took root in my early years.

Even with all her quirks, she's still pretty wonderful. In fact, her quirks and wild imagination make me love her all the more! And really, how could I not?

Wordful Wednesday: Maybe the Chemistry Set was a Bad Idea

Boo is in her "sign making" phase, where she's always changing/adding to the signs on her bedroom door. Since Baby switched places with the Boy and now the girls are sharing a room, her notes have take on a decidedly feminist tone.

If you can't read her sign, it reads: "Keep Out!! Only Girls allowed inside. We are making dangerous things. Warning: dangerous Girls."

I think the skull and crossbones presents her message well, but nothing says "dangerous" like a flaming skull. Or she's drawing the face that Baby makes whenever I try to fix her hair.

Wordful Wednesday: Comparison

I like my kids. I like to watch what they do, listen to what they say (or how they say it), and take pictures of them. I've got to remember these days. How else will I be able to emotionally blackmail them years from now?

They're growing too fast as it is. Seems like just the other day, I took this picture:

Boo is not quite three in this picture. The little pie on the table in front of her was the project for the day in her toddler cooking class (as cute as it turned out, the pie was not very good). Awww…so cute.

Now, look at this:

This is Baby. She took the same cooking class during the summer and this was one of her projects. Seeing her sitting at the table, looking so proud of her efforts, I remembered the image above. Then, I re-fixed Baby's hair and found the exact same shirt for the photo.

Do you think they're sisters?

Friday Confessional: Back to School

So…seems like I've only been posting lately when there's a meme to fill out or some other obligation. Hence, the "first day of school" post. Sure, we celebrated and it was a big deal and I've been admiring everyone else's adorable, backpack-bearing children and my blog has remained silent…except for the memes. Yeah, well…maybe I need to adjust my happy pills.






I confess…
I was really looking forward to the day when school started.

I confess…
I may have counted down the days. Just a little. Especially when the advertising, sales, and stacks of notebooks started showing up everywhere. Then came the planning for the annual party at the bus stop, where the families all meet together early, bringing juice and frosted carbs to celebrate the start of another year, before loading our offspring on a large, awkward metal conveyance that lack proper restraints.

I confess…
When Boo started school, I cried a little as she climbed on that bus, her tiny legs barely able to make it up the stairs. Then I cried a little bit more back at home, when she wasn't there for what seemed like a very, very long time. I fought the tears when she came home, tired but happy. Even laying out her clothes for the next day got me a little weepy.

I confess…
Boy's first day was met with much more enthusiasm. This change wasn't because the Boy was a difficult child; he's a pretty typical boy. Mainly, I was excited because he was so excited to hop on that bus. Finally, all those mornings spent with his nose pressed to the window, watching his sister make the long walk (half a block) to wait for the bus. He probably didn't sleep much the night before. Also? It's not nearly as scary the second time around.

I confess…
When Baby starts school, I will probably be a jiggly mess of sobbing and snot. It won't be pretty, folks.

I confess…

*sigh*

I love my little family. We are very blessed. And the best part? Is how much they love each other back. I'm not the only one that's addicted to the hugs and sloppy kisses.

Mothering Moment: Little Sister Vs. Earrings

If your eldest daughter happens to like silly earrings that are made from foam or modeling clay or some other non-metal substance, be sure to keep those earrings up out of reach of your toddler. Because when she's supposed to be sleeping, the toddler will actually pull all the backs off her sister's earrings. Then she'll decided that those bright orange dinosaurs look a lot like her fruit snacks.

And just in case...super glue will put the earring back together but isn't very good at filling in the tooth marks.

How to Prevent Exploding Heads

The honeymoon is over. The thrill is gone. The shine is off the penny. Familiarity breeds contempt. The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Oh, wait...maybe not that last one.

In other words, the kids are bored. Not going to school is no longer any fun. And they aren't shy about letting me know.

The other day, while I attempted to neuter the stack of papers, mailers, statements, and assorted credit card offers that seems to double it's reproductive efforts during the night while the kids lounge in the living room. The day had started on the wrong foot, possibly even the entire leg. Before breakfast ended, petty arguments and whining had taken over all conversation. By the time I began filing away financial statements, my happy place wasn't answering my calls.

"Mom, I'm boooooooooooored!"
"What can I dooooooooo?"
"Mooooooooooooooooooooooom!"

I slam my binder shut and shove my chair back from the table, the legs squealing their protest on the linoleum.

"No more!" I roar, sure my eyes are about to spout fire. "The next kid who even hints at having nothing to do, will make my head explode and then you'll be forced to clean my brains off the floor.  Do I make myself clear?"

Two pairs of very wide eyes stare back at me, nods barely registering.

"If you need something to do, then go clean your room. Sweep the kitchen floor. Empty Baby's diapers. Pull the weeds out of the flower beds. I have no shortage of work to get done, so unless you would like to become indentured servants to a brain-splattered woman, then I suggest you Go. Find. Something."

They scurry from the room, blurs of blonde hair and flailing limbs, not sticking around to see if there's brain fluid leaking out of my ear. Returning the chair to it's designated spot, I continue my task in relative peace. And silence.

Maybe a little too much silence. Soon, the silence becomes the kind of quiet that all mothers fear. Once again leaving the mounds of randy tree fiber products unchaperoned, I seek out the children.

Well, at least they found something to do.

When Thank You just isn't enough

Alternate titles: My Mother-in-law is better than yours!, It's the end of the world as we know it


One of the first questions people ask about our cruise is whether or not we brought the kids. Nope. Kids stayed at home with the Man's parents driving in to keep them in time out watch them. So we could bake ourselves on the boat deck, secure in the knowledge that sandwiches would be properly cut and bedtime rituals followed.

While we were away, Grandma G did something truly amazing. Well, she also cleared out my ruin of a laundry room, packed up all the too-small clothes that I'm too emotionally attached to touch, and reorganized the the toy room. But that's not the best part. Boo came home from an activity where she'd used a roller sweeper to help clean up. Grandma simply handed her the vacuum cleaner and set her to work on the living room carpet.

Now, both of the older kids literally argue over who gets to vacuum. I am documenting this for posterity.

Wordless Wednesday: Crazy Hair Day

Wordless Wednesday: Favorite Book Characters

Silly Obsession

Have you seen Silly Bandz? They're rubber bands in various shapes and colors that the kids are collecting. They come in theme packages and usually include two of each shape, making it easier to trade with friends and get a great collection going. Here are a couple samples from Boo's collection:


Unicorn (fantasy theme), angel (fantasy), cupcake (baking), weiner dog (dogs), and perfume bottle (beauty). I see them everywhere I go now. Boo loves them. In fact, she may love them a little too much...


And she just got even more for her birthday. Oh boy. It's a good thing she's not allergic to rubber!

Party Pooper

Hey, I've got a dilemma and am having a heck of a time making a decision. Care to weigh in on it?

Da Boo's birthday is fast approaching. She decides a year in advance what the theme will be and then insists on discussing ideas for her party on a weekly basis. And believe me, I wish that last statement was an exaggeration. It is not. This year, since her birthday is so very close to October 31st, she decided she wanted a Halloween party. Cool. I love Halloween.

Now, here's the problem. Halloween is on a Sunday this year. We don't, as a family rule, have friend parties on Sundays. Breaking that rule just this once is not possible. Ain't gonna happen (we Mormons are hard-headed like that). So that's Factor #1.

Factor #2 is the fact that I am Goddess of the Activities for my church (or Ward Activities Chair, for those of you in on the lingo). I have to plan, prepare, and pull-off four activities per year with an average attendance of 250 people. Not an easy task. The Fall event -- already scheduled and half-planned with other committees contributing -- is set for the Friday before Halloween. Since I will already be going half crazy from the ward event, I cannot, for the love of sanity, mix Boo's party into the same weekend. That takes out a Friday or Saturday party. (And let's be honest, Thursday's gone, too.)

So maybe I just have it earlier; like the weekend before or maybe sooner that week. However, I, like many of my mom friends, usually do not have the kids' costumes completely finished this far in advance. Do I have it early and risk some kids not coming because they don't have an outfit yet? There's Factor #3.

Boo's actual birthday is just a day or two after Halloween. So here's the dilemma you've all been waiting for: I've considered holding the party on her actual birthday. Would this be totally lame? Would the costumes already be stashed away? Too much of a candy overload? Put yourself in the parent-role of a child invited to a Halloween costume party after Halloween and tell me what you would think.

Obligatory First Day of School Posting and Evidence of How Cruel I Have Become

Wanna see da Boo on the first day of school? Of course, you do! Why else would you be here? My contest is closed and it's not like I post much of interest lately...

Anyway, here she is:


We had a bit of a clothing emergency the night before school started. See, I recently discovered Crazy 8's clothes and I really love them. I had an outfit all picked out for that big first impression, but when I went to lay it out for her...the skirt looked ginormous. She tried it on and it slid down her hips. Not exactly the look I was going for. Luckily for us, we were also out of bread and milk and baby wipes so a trip to the store was already essential. I joined the ranks of the forlorn, hunting for correct sizes amongst the picked-over racks in Target (since I'd much rather give them my money than Wally World). And since the mall was already closed. I found this ensemble still on sale. Crisis averted!


The Boy starts kindergarten this year but not until next week. He's looking forward to riding the bus but not actually going to school. I think it's because he's going to miss me. And you can't really tell from this picture but his shirt has a zombie on it, demanding "BRAAAAAINS!" Apparently I am not the only one anticipating an undead apocalypse. We just vary in how excited we are at that prospect.

One of the things I like about my community are the seasonal traditions we developed over the years. For instance, on the first day of school, parents and kiddos gather at the bus stop, bringing breakfast with them. We've turned it into a fun little party; a nice way to send the kids off to school, where we can give high-fives to other moms or maybe even hand over the tissues to the occasional teary-eyed ones, all while we munch on donuts and silently pray that our daughter doesn't dump that whole cup of chocolate milk down her shirt because boy howdy, would we be in a fix. Or at least, most people bring donuts....Remember how I am trying to trim down my fluffiness? And have I mentioned how we're getting much better at recycling? So I stroll up to the party carrying this:


Mmmm...totally drool-worthy. Oh, but wait! I haven't opened it yet! Inside? Are these:


Frozen grapes. Like popsicles without the sticks and in wrappers that you eat! Who wouldn't love 'em? Well, everyone who was expecting cream puffs, apparently. I think they're the perfect snack to eat just before the kids get home from school, you know, so you have the energy to finally get out of bed and get something done, other than determining if those teens shuffling down the street might be looking to increase their grades by eating your brains.

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

We've had a busy summer! I can blame my lackluster posting on the events going down amongst the heat and bugs. While soaking in the family time, I managed to actually learn a few things along the way.


Mario Kart on the Wii is really, really fun. Driving a real cart is even better! (Unless, of course, a younger cousin gets in the way...don't worry, he was fine!)

Kansas consists of sunflowers, cornfields, humidity, and bugs. Mostly the bugs.


Grandmas have magical abilities but Great-Grandma is even more beguiling, capable of soothing multiple babies at once.

Most of my cute tops require a shirt underneath (so I'm not scaring young children when I lean over). But layered shirts and high humidity are not friends. In fact, they pretty much hate each other and will make life miserable for anyone who dares to combine them.

Young boys would much rather sleep in a cave consisting of couch cushions and a table than share the pull-out sofa with their sister.

When visiting your cousins, you might discover you failed to pack an essential item: lipgloss. No worries, my Boo. Butter makes an excellent substitute. (And pay no attention to the odd looks you get from the other diners and wait staff...they're just envious that they didn't think of it first!)

(Baby + dumdum sucker)carseat = Impossibly Sticky Mess. I'm just glad she wasn't wearing white.

It's never too early to introduce your offspring to the finer things in life, like expensive cheese, trips to exotic locales, and massage chairs. Baby stayed in this chair for a solid hour, which is quite the feat when she's not asleep.

There you have it! Now you, too, can benefit from my knowledge and save yourself the two-day-one-way trip in a van with three small children. It's been a couple weeks since we've returned and I still haven't recovered...of course, it might help if I actually finished unpacking.

What did you learn this summer?

And if you haven't already done so, enter to win a $25 gift certificate!

Work Hard For Your Money

I've decided to start giving the kids an allowance.

I know this is a hot topic with parents. Some don't think kids deserve payment for doing things they should already do. Others don't want their precious babies to get hurt feelings when they fail at something. Mainly, I want the kids to help out a little more and stop asking for toys whenever we go shopping. Still, there are some things that I won't pay them to do; that they should do anyway, simply because they belong to our herd.

So I'm putting together a chore chart. For the two older kids, I've got three daily chores, three weekly chores, and then a selection of optional chores for a little extra money. Here's where the Man and I have disagreed...he thinks the kids can do a whole lot more and I think they're kids! But I am willing to try it out and let them impress me.

Da Boo's daily chores consist of Bedroom Check (bed made, no clothes on the floor), Piano/Homework, and 5-Toy Pick Up. Weekly tasks are Hamster Cage, Smudge Patrol (disinfecting wipe and an area of wall space to clean), and setting the table. For a successful week of work, she can expect one dollar. I hesitated to add piano because that's more of a privilege than a chore but she doesn't always agree with that sentiment.

The Boy's chores were a little harder to come up with, but daily, he has Bedroom Check, Homework, and 5-Toy Pick Up. Every week, he gets to help clear the table one night, empty the Shoe Basket (where all our shoes seem to congregate when they're not on our feet), and feeding the Shredder (part of my paper-clearing strategy). And if the Boy manages to complete all this during the week, he'll get one dollar.

Optionals chores don't currently have price tags. I don't want to give them a quarter per job but a dime seems a little on the low side. But if they've completed their daily and weekly chores, they'll have the option to earn extra money by going on a Smudge Patrol, helping with Baby, sorting socks from the laundry (something I never get around to), finishing worksheets, and then various forms of torture encouragement that I devise spontaneously.

Now, here's where I'd normally open the floor to discussion amongst my readers (all three of you), but I should tell you that I reserve the right to ignore any and all criticism advice in the comments. However, I would like to hear what you do at your house...provided you agree with everything I'm planning and you tell me that I'm beautiful. And skinny. And incredibly talented. Good? Good.

Just Hand It Over

Boo and I were discussing her upcoming Field Day at school. She had a list of treats and goodies available from the concession stand. I told her I'd give her $2 (because she doesn't read my blog so can't get $50) for snacks. Then I tried to explain to her that the items were priced in quarter increments, giving her examples of the different combinations she could get.

Me: Sno Cones are 50 cents and nachos are a $1 so you could get both of those and still have some money left over.

Boo: Can I get a drink, too?

Me: Yep. You'd have enough for one drink because they are 50 cents.

Boo: ...

Me: Or you can get other things. You don't have to get nachos or a drink. There's lots of stuff on here and you might decide you want some candy instead.

Boo: ...

Me: So remind me in the morning and I give you $2 before school.

Boo: Can I have your credit card instead?

__________

And as the voluptuous Boob Nazi reminded me, I never announced a winner for the make-me-laugh-or-at-least-keep-me-from-being-so-dang-miserable contest. Two entries made me bust out laughing:

Mary's Swagger Wagon (because I drive one)

and

the Co-ed's ASL in the USA (the faces he makes are just too funny)

Congrats to Mary, who will get the iTunes card, and to the Co-ed, who will get cupcakes or something equally as carb-laden! (Mary, email me your address!)

__________

I'm wearing white pants to the Casual Blogger Conference...hey, Memorial Day is only, like, two days away...that should be fine, right? Right? Please don't judge me for my fashion ineptitude. Judge me for my split modifiers and dangling participles.

__________

And don't forget to enter my contest for the $50 gift card to CSN's online stores!

The Difference Between Boys and Girls: Hiking

On a daily basis, I am reminded that there is a distinct difference between boys and girls. Sure, Boo likes to play video games (and can beat most of the boys in her class) and the Boy doesn't mind a good tea party, but inevitably, the differences emerge.

For instance: Spring Break. This year, we went down to Moab. We hadn't been since the Boy was a toddler so we figured we were due another round.

And on the very first hike up to Delicate Arch, it started to show.


Boo strides down the carved staircase as elegantly as royalty. The Boy decides to turn it into a slide and make the trip on his bum. It didn't quite work, but he wasn't giving up on the idea.


Next hike, the Boy immediately scales the rocky portion of the path while Boo, after watching several other kids slip and slide their way upward, opts for the traditional method.


The kids were empty out their shoes after Sand Dune Arch. Boo brushes off a few pesky grains from between her toes. The Boy dumps out his own mini dune. See that sand on the pavement? Yeah. That's all from his shoes.