Friday Confessions...on a Tuesday

I planned to post this during the Great Bloggession of 2011. I've heard the official downtime was only 14 hours but I haven't been able to get on for several days. And I'm assuming that this is the reason why my readership has tanked...

Anywho...

I confess...

I wasn't actually here just a little bit ago. Sure, I posted and whatnot but...not here.

I confess...

I was on a cruise.

I confess...

It was horrible and I missed you guys so much! I'm so glad to be home.

I confess...

That last part was a lie.

It was actually fantastic. And this time, I remembered my camera charger so I've got lots of pictures to share. In fact, I'm thinking of starting another blog to help others with my, uh, curves in making the best decisions. The working title is "Fat White Chick's Guide To Cruises." What do you think?

And I learned some new things while on board this time. Never knew that cruises could be so friendly toward "friends of Dorothy." And that the Man's inappropriate comments about towel animals tends to make each nightly creation all the more giggle-worthy.

Wonders of Technology

I'd like to think that I'm fairly tech-savvy. The Man knows all kinds of random facts and figures about all the newest gadgets and sometimes, I remember what he said. It only took him giving me a short (two-part) tutorial before I could use his itouch without having him fix my mistakes constantly. So, normally, I get it or I can at least figure it out. But my ipod had me stumped.

I mainly use my trusty ipod in the kitchen or on the treadmill (and we all know from my recent pictures how often I actually use the treadmill, so I pretty much have it in the kitchen...while I'm baking something calorie-saturated). I have this nifty little device (that I stole from the Man) that plugs into it and then I can listen to it through any radio. My ears are tiny and those little earbud things just don't stay in. And of course, it took me a whole paragraph to get to my point: I don't usually have my ipod in hand while I'm listening to it.

While we were on the cruise, I listened to my ipod the old-fashioned way, using headphones. We would be up on deck, lounging in those comfy chairs, no little kids to watch so they didn't fall overboard, flagging down the drink boys to bring us more Dr Pepper, completely greased up with sunscreen, and listening to our own music. Bliss, I tell ya. BLISS.

It was during one such afternoon that I finally asked the Man about something I had noticed but couldn't quite understand.

Me: See how it goes to this odd display once my song's been playing for a bit?
The Man: Ooookay...
Me: What is that? I thought maybe it was the time left on my play list or something but it counts up instead of down.
The Man just gives me that look that he gets when I suggest he might want a nice glass of water instead of Dr. Pepper.
Me: I know it's not how long I've been listening to music because it always has a different number on it.
The Man: (more of that look except now he's starting to smirk...)
Me: So, ummm...what is it?
The Man: That's the time. It's a clock.
Me: Oh.

Surely, I am not the only one! Anyone else made a ridiculous technological assumption or mistake? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Cruisin': Jamaica, Dolphin Cove

After getting waterlogged, braided, and nearly molested at Dunn's River Falls, the tour people loaded us back on a bus and sent us down to Dolphin Cove. We got to amble around the grounds for a bit (I say amble because it's hard to walk like a normal person when your clothes are soaked through). While we sprawled out in lounge chairs overlooking the beach, we saw bits of a Jamaican fashion show (although it was really more of a "all the possible combinations of clothes that we sell in our gift shop" show). And if we wanted, we could have paid a princely sum for access to their buffet, which featured a whopping three items. Instead, I just bought some jerk sauce from the gift shop.

Then the dolphin show started. This consisted of two groups of tourists being escorted down to the dolphin pools, while the rest of us peered over a railing.

The first group got to feed and touch the dolphins.


In exchange for fish treats, the dolphins did tricks. They were really fun to watch! I probably sat there with a silly grin on my face the entire time.


The second group of tourists had paid nearly twice the amount as the first group and were allowed to swim with the dolphins. Actually, at one point they were using the dolphins as a sort of mammal-powered boogie board. I wish I had pictures of this but, alas...my cheapo camera was full.

Since I had no more film, I also didn't get any pictures of the sharks. Yes, real sharks. They had a pool with four sharks. And again, they lead groups of paying tourists down into the water. These people - who had more cash than good sense - got to hold a shark on their lap and then feed it. As if this wasn't enough to cause involuntary bladder release, they were then handed snorkeling masks and got to swim around for a bit. The shark guides, who played the part of pirates, put on a show for the hordes that gathered to watch the crazy people in the water. Although I would never get in the pool myself, I'd go watch again.

Also at Dolphin Cove, there was no shortage of things to do. They had several shops - without the pushy salespeople - as well as the handmade crafts. Then there was a mat weaver. He was wedged between a couple buildings, hidden back by a turtle pond, where it was cooler. He took a liking to me and my sister-in-law, wove a couple palm frond bracelets for us and gave us our Rastafarian names. I was deemed Mrs. Right, because I am always right. I thought it fitting.


After we finished, there was another tiny bus waiting to take us back to the pier. Now, Jamaica is a lot more concerned about customs and immigration. We were warned to keep our cruise cards on us at all times. But here's a tip: if you forget your ID, make sure you have a couple scantily-clad females seated by the door and the official's eyes won't move beyond them. When we pulled up to the pier, our driver told us to get out our cards and hold them up so the official could see them. Unfortunately, two adorably perky teenagers, seated across from the bus door, wore only bikinis, with no safe location to store their identification. Their parents - located in the very back of the bus - had their cards. But the uniformed official was stepping onto the bus. They started to explain why they didn't have any ID...he simply looked them over (ahem) and then left the bus. We started laughing as we pulled into the pier. The girls couldn't decide if they were mortified or flattered.

Cruisin': Jamaica, The Falls

When we first started telling people we were thinking about a cruise, several people suggested Jamaica. But what I would like to know is...why? Since I am not into getting drunk on alcohol of questionable production or getting high on illegal substances, then what exactly is the point of going there? It was the most disappointing of all our ports.


Oh, sure. It's beautiful. But those mountains are hiding tiny, windy roads that are packed with buses carrying tourists, not to mention the plethora of taxis weaving in and out of traffic. I stopped watching the roads and opted instead of staring up into the lush treetops, while trying not to notice the gigantic spider webs...

Our first stop? Dunn's River Falls.


Gorgeous! And cold. Very cold. The guide seemed to take great delight in making the crazy Americans sit in the freezing water because what's the first thing he has you do?


Sit in the freezing water while they take your picture! Yeah, that was so swell of him. (Punk.)
So the Falls are actually pretty awesome. As long as you don't look up too much, you'll have a great time.


This is a picture of just one section. There were many pools at the bottom of these short cascades. And in those pools, the guides knew all the different ways to torture amuse the tourists: slide down a big rock into a pool, tipping you and your loved one backwards, more freezing showers, etc. The Falls are notoriously slippery. You can only make it up with a guide (or so they tell you), while holding on to the people in front and back of you. It seems like a good idea: person in front of you helps you up and you help the person behind you. Unless, of course, you are me and happen to be Bionic. Then? Not so much fun. I nearly stopped because I was afraid of relying too much on my bum shoulder. There's a staircase along the side with periodic exits out of the Falls. You can stay dry the entire time and do no more hiking than at home when you go upstairs to raid your chocolate stash. But I stuck it out. The water was cold, yes, but the scenery was gorgeous and it was just plain fun.


We endured to the end! And then we got our picture taken with the Man's cell phone. No, not really. That's actually our GPS. That's right! Another geocache. (Nerds, remember?)

After surviving the Falls, I made an impulsive purchase and got my hair braided. My sister-in-law really wanted to do it and I'm nothing if not a joiner.


Here's a tip about getting braids: Don't. Sure, it looks cute but a few hours after you have it done, you won't be able to make any facial expressions because it hurts, you won't be able to put your head on your pillow because it hurts, and you won't be able to take them out because...you guessed it...it hurts.

So I spent my money on the braids. But in order to leave the Falls, you have to walk through a market, of sorts. Now, if no one has ever told you about the salespeople in Jamaica, well, consider this your warning. They are pushy and they don't care about boundaries or personal space. If you don't accept their handshake, won't let yourself be pulled into their stall, or try to ignore them, then they resort to guilting you into showing them some "respect." Whatever. I was so tempted to just stuff my fingers in my ears and run screaming through that place. And from what I've heard, that was tame compared to the main market closer to the pier!

That's more than enough to tide you over until the next post: our stop at Dolphin Cove.

Cruisin': Grand Cayman Stingrays

Before I get into the stingray expedition, there's a little backstory required (mainly because I like to talk). Just a few weeks before our cruise sailed, a new terror gripped the nation: swine flu. I find it interesting that so many people freaked out over a flu strain that killed less then 50 people, considering the normal flu kills around 60,000 people per year. But anyways, people went nuts, wore surgical masks in public al a Michael Jackson, and the Mexican ports were closed to cruise ships. Normally, not an issue. My over-developed sense of anxiety had us avoiding Mexico (due to the drug wars). However, ours was not the only boat in the ocean and lots of over ships were bound for Mexico. Since they could no longer get in, several ships were redirected to Grand Cayman. They told us on the boat that normally, there were 3 cruise boats docked around the islands. This particular day, 9 were expected. That's a lot of tourists...

Now, Stingray City is a sandbar where you can stand in waist to chest-deep water while the stingrays frolic around you. That is not where we went. And after seeing all those huge boats holding the island hostage, I'm pretty glad we opted for something else. The trusty Emerald Eyes took us to an area that was about 12 feet deep. There, the guides gave us a few pointers. While stingrays love to eat squid, the tourists were actually over-feeding them so we would not be handling squid guts. However, there was a bucket of squid that the hosts would use to attract the rays. Also, we were not to attempt picking up the rays ourselves. Sure, they are fairly tame but they are still wild animals. And people are stupid.

Once again, we get in the water with our snorkeling gear. When I look under the water, this is what I see:


Is it okay to pee your pants if you're in the ocean?

Our guides take boat-loads of tourists to this particular site three times a day so they knew all the local rays by sight and had given them names.


This is Rob, the main guide, holding Frisbee, the stingray. Frisbee is named that because he doesn't have a tail and resembles, well, a frisbee. There was also Sally, who was about the size of a sofa. The guides encouraged us to pet the rays, even offered to let us hold them. Some women were kissing the rays (ewwww), which is supposed to bring 7 years good luck (still ewwww). Now, you might think it's kinda mean to drag the rays up to the surface like this but the animals seemed to enjoy the attention. And Rob repeatedly reassured us that if they didn't want to be held, they would let him know. One ray, after being repeatedly kissed, started flapping his wings and Rob let him go. So they're perfectly capable of letting the guides know when they'd had enough sexual harassment.

I told the Man to get some really good pictures of the rays for my blog. He dove down and took this one:


Yeah, that's a good one.

Even far away from the main Stingray City, there were three boats in this area. It was crowded. Fins were constantly bumping people and you couldn't turn around without having someone all up in your grill. One chick got a little testy and started chewing out a kid for bumping into her. That was pretty tacky, considering not three seconds later, she rammed into me without so much as a "oops!" Real classy, lady. Good thing I have this blog with my hordes of readers so I can get back at you.

Cruisin': Grand Cayman Snorkeling

On to the reef and snorkeling! Woot!

After our shopping and being nerds, we headed back to the George Town pier to meet up with our group. It was time for our shore trip: Reef n' Rays Snorkeling. The main reason I campaigned for this particular cruise was for this port of call- because of the stingrays. I won't go into the details; you can read about it here, but I had to swim with the stingrays! Snorkeling was the first portion, then the rays.

From the pier, we were bused to a private port. Then we got aboard the Emerald Eyes, a catamaran that took us out to the reef. After a quick snorkeling and gear lesson, they kicked us off the boat (they offered to push anyone who was having a hard time making the jump into ocean waters).


For the first five minutes, I was too giddy with excitement to remember to breathe in through my mouth...or stop smiling and laughing. After snorting my mask, gagging on seawater and generally proving that I was a totally newbie, I finally got the hang of it. (Although you can't talk with those things on and I am sooooo a talker. Maybe that's why the Man liked this part...)

Keep in mind these were taken with a cheap waterproof camera. Cheap camera = cheap-looking pictures. This is not what it looked like through the snorkeling mask. In the last reef picture, you can make out a few of the fish, but nothing like what we saw. There were colors and fish and sun ripples and lots of fish! It was amazing!

Hey, look, a whale!


Just kidding...it's only me.

After snorkeling for about 45 minutes, they called us back on the boat for a quick trip over to see the stingrays...

Cruisin': Grand Cayman

This was my favorite part of the cruise! What? You got that wrong on my Facebook quiz, too? Yeah, most people picked the Chocolate Buffet, which - don't get me wrong - was awesome, but I've done things like that before. I'd never gone snorkeling.

We started out by getting up early. No sleeping in for us. If we wanted to have breakfast in the restaurants instead of the buffet line, we had to be up and ready. More on this in another post...all about the food.

Grand Cayman's port is too shallow for our big ol' ship so we were taken to shore by tenders, little boats that are basically rows and rows of benches. If it's too windy or the water is too rough, the little tenders won't make it and you're stuck on the boat for the day. Luckily for us, the weather was perfect, a balmy 80 degrees by 10 in the morning.


We went ashore early to do a little shopping and because a) we still had false hope of finding a battery charger b) we were low on sunscreen after our day at sea and c) we wanted to find a couple geocaches ('cuz we're nerds).

No camera charger.
Paid $12 for a tiny bottle of sunscreen.
Found a cache after the security guard at the location helped us. We thought he was going to escort us off the property but instead, he suggested to look a little more to the left...

And? I got a bottle of nail polish that starts out a pale pink but when you go out into the sun, it turns a deep, coral-ly pink. Very cool. Even the bag from the shop changed colors in the sun.

Blogger is going to have a fit if I try to upload all the pictures at once so I'm going to have to break down our day into sections. This one is the beginning (and all my rambling), the second one will be our snorkeling trip, with a third post on the stingrays. Good? Good.

It's About Time!

Hey, I FINALLY got the pictures from my cruise developed! Woot!

I hope to have an actual post for you in the next couple days.

Note to self: there is a reason why those cheap cameras are so cheap...

My Bad

Alternate Titles: "And here's where I lose followers..." or "Strip Search now instituted at home"

Actually, it's the Man's bad but I am willing to accept the blame. Remember how I told the sob story about my camera battery dying in Key West and the subsequent purchase of a cheap underwater camera? Then I made glowing promises about getting that film developed for your viewing pleasure? Yeah, well...funny story.

So the other night, I was talking to the Man on the phone - because he may or may not be on business in Las Vegas and I mentioned the film and possibilities for getting it developed. We discuss the seductive evils of cheap Wal-mart pricing when I realize something: I've unpacked all the luggage and I don't have the film. The Man was the one that transported it home in his trusty backpack. Such a trusty backpack, in fact, that he never leaves home without it.

The Man has the film. In Las Vegas.

So no pictures for a little bit longer...I know, I totally suck. I already lost one follower this week and I would completely understand if the rest of you left in droves.

(And seriously, like getting comments wasn't addictive enough, now Blogger wants us to form our own little Internet cliches by tracking "followers?" But if you promise to stay following my blog, I promise not to abuse my power over you by making you drink grape kool-aid.

Cruisin': Key West Florida

Okay, sorry about the delay, there. I had four cakes (two looked like this one and this one) scheduled for this weekend. And the Man may or may not be out of town, therefore leaving all childcare responsibilities to me. AND my van had massive issues on Saturday just as I was heading out to deliver cakes! Lovely.

So where were we? Ah yes...at sea.

I'm kinda glad they gave us the first afternoon to just relax, get unpacked, and periodically alternate between squealing with glee or trying not to cry because I missed Baby. Also? We were dead on our feet. The Man got a nice nap before dinner while I unpacked. No sleep plus constant adrenaline rushes? By the time we went back to our stateroom (cruise-speak for your room, also called a cabin), we pretty much crashed that first night. I hardly felt the boat moving.

Monday morning, we woke up in Key West. This was one of the Man's favorite things about the cruise. Your hotel moves to the next location while you sleep comfortably.


Key West is a tiny little island and really nice. Right off the boat, we were in a downtown, market area. I loved the little shops and stalls that lined the streets! The main drag is Duvall Street. The beach area is about a mile away from the pier. You can rent scooters and little electric cars or take a taxi. We opted not to go. Also, after seeing a woman on a scooter wipe out in the middle of an intersection, there was no way I was getting on one! There are other things to see: pirate museum, aquarium, seashell warehouse, a marina, and, of course, a multitude of key lime pie establishments. And if you buy nothing else, get a slice of key lime pie, dipped in chocolate and frozen. It was possibly the most refreshing thing I've ever tasted!


Since Key West is reachable by road, it has the southern-most highway in the United States. Here is where it ends (the other side of the street is the "Begin" marker). There was supposed to be a geocache here but we couldn't find it in the short amount of time we had to look.


This was another marina around the corner from where our ship anchored. We saw fish called tarpon swimming around that were longer than I am tall (which isn't saying much considering how short I am). I took a picture but my shadow was in the way...then I noticed the battery light flashing on my camera...crud! Did you know it is impossible to find a camera battery charger in the Caribbean? It's true. We looked everywhere. Ended up having to get a camera from the store on the ship (also had to get hairspray). Actually, I recommend bringing a disposable underwater camera. I didn't even think of how we would get pictures while snorkeling or climbing the waterfall. Turned out to be a good thing.

So...since my battery died on the first day, all the rest of my pictures are on 35mm film, which I still haven't gotten developed...I promise I'll get to it first thing this next week!

Cruisin' On A Sunday Afternoon

Okay, here we go with the long-awaited, much anticipated, and more than likely disappointing posts about my vacation. This was my first cruise and I gotta say, it's an entirely different way of life. In fact, I'm considering starting another blog devoted to helping first-time cruisers work their way through the system. I like the name "Fat White Lady's Guide To Cruises" and possibly going with an alter-ego, like Sunburn Susie. We'll see.

Five years ago, for our fifth wedding anniversary, we did absolutely nothing. I think we might have kissed each other for an extra second to mark the occasion but otherwise, very lack luster. That's when I started saying that for our 10th anniversary, we would take a cruise. So five years later, I was combing through the cruise deals and trying to narrow down my choices. I was campaigning for an Alaskan cruise because - let's be honest, here - I look much better in a parka than I do in a swimming suit. The Man wasn't sold on the idea and the shore excursions (that's cruise-speak for trips you make to land to do something other than bake yourself on the deck of the ship or visit the self-serve ice cream stations) were pretty lame or very expensive. Then I found Carnival Cruises. They were reasonable and had some fantastic choices for port trips. My one stipulation? No Mexico stops. I was utterly paranoid and the whole "drug cartel wars" made me nervous (and don't bother trying to reassure me...I am completely irrational). Turned out to be a very good thing because, thanks to swine flu outbreaks, all Mexico ports of call were canceled. So hooray for anxiety attacks!

Grandma G came to stay with the littles and we were on our way! The Man booked us onto a red-eye flight to NYC, where we would fly all night and then hop on a plane down to Florida. I think both of us kinda glossed over the fact that it is impossible to get decent sleep on an airplane. If it wasn't for the constant excitement about finally getting on the boat, I might have been dead on my feet. Our boat left from Fort Lauderdale. For some insane reason, we had to follow other cruisers around in a line for nearly two hours before they let us on the boat. Ri. Dic. Ulous. But we finally crossed the gangway and were on deck! Before we could jump up and down, squealing with glee, it was time for muster. This is where all passengers must get their life jackets from their cabins and then meet in assigned locations for an emergency drill. It's mandatory, people. They check your rooms and herd you out of all other parts of the ship for this. Afterwards, you are free to behave like self-centered jerks but for now, listen up.


While not quite mandatory, nearly everyone heads to the Lido deck (the main deck) to watch the ship leave port. Once you leave the city behind, there's not much to see. No dolphins frolicking in the surf or whales breaching the surface. There aren't even any strange fish floating around. Just water. And maybe some seaweed.

But here are a couple other things that I learned right away:
1) The ship's photographers like take your picture. Frequently. Even when you're eating.
2) The bar service people are always asking if you'd like something from the bar. "Sir, I see you've just come from the restroom. Perhaps you'd like to work on refilling that bladder with one of our specialty drinks in a nifty souvenir glass?"

Now, the ship tries to sell you the pictures but of course, you don't have to buy them. There's even handy recycling bins for the ones where you look cross-eyed. These photos make cute reminders of your trip. Unless of course you are me and have never been accused of being photogenic. We did get lots of pictures taken because I really wanted one to mark the occasion. Never bought one. I tend to forget that I am rather portly. *sigh*

As for the constant flow of booze, some people declare that this is their favorite part of going on a cruise. We certainly met a few people who seemed bent on drowning themselves in pineapple juice, vodka, and fresh fruit skewers. Our boat offered a bucket of beers. Seriously. A large white bucket filled with ice and bottles of your preferred beer. Since we don't imbibe, we purchased Fountain Cards. These are usually pro-rated (ours was $5.50 per person per day) and are good for your endless fountain drinks or juice during your entire cruise. If you don't want to pay, you can always partake of the self-serve water, tea, coffee and lemonade stations. Those are free (but not always completely stocked). (And by "free," I mean you've already paid for it in the price of your ticket.)

Okay, this post is getting rather long and we've only just left port...so stayed tuned for our first stop: Key West, Florida!

What beverage would you like to have a bucket of?

Open Letters From The Cruise

We're back! Had an amazing time and didn't burn myself to a crisp out in all that sun. I'll give you the details over the next few days but here are a couple letters to people on the cruise that just couldn't wait...


Dear Chick in the White Bikini,

Yes, you are attractive. Yes, you have a lovely figure. But was it really necessary to hike up a 600 foot waterfall in a thong? Seriously?

Yours,
Fat White Chick a few dozen feet below you and not enjoying the view



Dear Jerk in the Dining Room,

Looks like you are having a good time, with your drink and your mild sunburn. And perhaps it is the alcohol that befuddles your mind but in case you didn't read the brochure, misplaced your schedule, didn't hear the repeated announcements, failed to notice the many signs, and didn't listen to your waiter last night or during lunch and breakfast today...tonight is the second formal evening for dinner. You won't be allowed into the dining room in your shorts and ball cap. Verbally berating the tiny little hostess who won't let you in is not going to make things better. It just makes you look like a uncouth cretin.

Sincerely,
Person who took the time to shower before coming to dinner because I'm fancy

P.S.
Having your slightly less creepy wife sneak you in later when the hostess isn't there is so not cool. I hope someone spat on your lobster...wish it could have been me.