I Saw The Witch Doctor

This was my favorite article! Because I just looooove sarcasm. And because I really, really needed to vent about all the ridiculous but "proven" advice I had been getting all through the years of trying to have a child. Everyone had something to say. And honestly? I didn't want to hear it. I will have to tell you about the one girl in the our married-student ward that actually questioned my testimony! Seriously! I wanted to punch her! In fact...I still want to punch her!

Any way...this was originally published in December 2001, right before the president went off the deep end. My last one!

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Women trying to conceive seem to be a magnet for unusual/alternative/ridiculous advice. It’s almost like finding a cure for hiccups: everyone has his or her own ideas. I’ve collected my favorite “witch doctor” remedies, as told to me by well meaning or busybody individuals. I’ve added the things that go through my head as I am smiling, nodding and trying not to grit my teeth.

Drink a full glass of orange juice right before, without taking a breath – Tasty and refreshing but I’m not sure why this is supposed to work.

Stand on your head after – Not only is it not scientifically proved to help but it sure can put a crick in your neck.

Raise your legs in the air for 15 minutes just after – Whoa, Nelly! Ever want to test your ab muscles? Try this one.

Eat lots of beans – Sure, beans have folic acid but I can think of less fragrant ways to get my folic acid.

Place a pillow under the female’s tush - Is that a down or fiberfill pillow? Maybe I’ve been using the wrong kind. Ooooo, how ‘bout one of the big body pillows? Would that make me have twins?

Keep the lights on during – This one is just weird.

Don’t sneeze – While sneezes sure can sneak the pee out of you, they don’t do much hindering of reproduction.

Sleep over at a friend’s house – Apparently, the male’s instinctual hormones will activate in the close proximity of another alpha male, causing him to create “super semen.” Don’t know about that but my husband sure does leap to my rescue every time I see a spider.

Take cough syrup – While one of the ingredients is proven to thin cervical muscles, cough syrup isn’t a magic potion.

Fast, pray, and attend church every week – Check, check, and check. Still no baby.

Have relations everyday – Actually, this may hurt more than it helps. Males with a low sperm count need 36-48 hours to replenish the supply. And when both partners are working full-time so they can afford treatments that actually work, there’s just no time!

Don’t go to the bathroom for at least 1 hour – So what about that glass of orange juice? It has to come out sometime…And dare I tell them that the urinary tract and the vagina are in no way connected to each other?

Hold babies as much as possible – I’ve been doing that since I was 8 and it hasn’t worked yet. Besides, the more I hold them, the more I wonder if the mother would notice if I start walking away.

And my personal favorite:
JUST RELAX – In the midst of our infertility woes, we went to Hawaii for a week where we did nothing but lounge on the beach and the most stress came from choosing which flower to stick in our smoothies. Now that was relaxed! But all I got was this lousy T-shirt, no baby. Maybe we should try it again, without the stressful smoothies…

Happy Thoughts

Second in the Infertility Series. In response to emails I got where the women had given up hope, were fighting depression and just did not see any reasons to be happy anymore. Originally published November 2001.

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Ah, the holiday season. A time when the focus is on family and celebrating the good things in a life. A time when we share laughter and pleasant company. A time when many wonder what is so great about their lives. Well, I could write volumes on what are the best things about life but that’s not why I include this section in the newsletters. This is where I try to give people something to think about, something that will make days a little easier to handle, something that might just make things better.

So I am not going to write this section. You are. Don’t worry. No one will see what you write unless you want someone to see it. But here is how it works:

1. Get a small notebook or a stack of papers and a good pen.
2. Leave these things by your bed.
3. Every night, before you set the alarm clock or turn off the light, write down three things that you were thankful for that day. They can be things like "spent some quality time with spouse at lunch" or "got in a good workout" or "matched all the socks from the dryer." Big or little, it doesn’t matter, as long as you were thankful that it happened.

Reread your list from time to time. When you’ve had a hard day or when you really need to smile, read your list. We all have plenty to be thankful for everyday. This is just one way of making those things tangible.

My Roar

First in the Infertility Series. Originally published September 2001.

This was not my favorite but it was the one that got the most positive response from the group members. Personally, I think it's kinda corny, little cheesy...might be a pretzel or two in there as well. So I am starting with this one so you don't have any really high expectations for the others.

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Ladies, I have an announcement: I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR.

I’m proud of my gender. I am proud of the strength that combines with such compassion. I am as fierce in my devotion to my family as I am protective of them. I feel great sadness in knowing I have no children and I also have great hope. My hope does not lie with the wonders of medical advancements but with the knowledge that I am a woman and this is my roar:

Being a woman is more than gingham oven mitts and plates of cookies, hair curlers and lip gloss.

Being a woman is knowing I have a tremendous ability to change the world. It is not cleaning house. It is cleaning up a nation. The cleaning starts with raising a family.

My body has failed me but my heart does not. There are no logical reasons why I cannot conceive, no finger to point, and no blame to shoulder. Weak and susceptible, the body is only clay. The spirit of a woman is concrete.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

I roar in pain, for the heartbreak and suffering of my sisters worldwide. I roar in protection of my natural ability to love and care for others. I cry out in alarm at the degradation of the family as society tells me to abandon my dreams of children. I cry for joy at the sheer happiness that I am a woman. And I am not alone. The shouts and cries of my sisters are with me. Anguish and hope are roaring to the world. We will not go gently into that good night. We will rage, rage against the dying of the light. Women are told we are weak, but perhaps that is to keep us from discovering the immense strength inside. No one can deter a woman with hope. Nothing can stop a woman who knows who and what she is.

Cling to hope. Hold to the dream. And most importantly, tell the world.

You are woman. Let them hear you roar.

Infertility - There! I Said It!

The people who read my blog consistently are those that have known me since I was a boy-crazy teenager, boy-crazy young adult and then a love-struck (still boy-crazy...but now just for one boy) newlywed. Most of you know me personally, have been with me through thick and thin (currently, I'm pretty thick). You already know my story. Here are some of the minor details.

During the three-year struggle to have our first child, I joined several infertility groups and organizations. One, called A Baby Made, was all about helping couples find funding for those expensive treatments and injections required when the birds and the bees don't cut it. The head of that group would send out sporadic "newsletters" and rant about Corporate America's lack of compassion to those wishing to have offspring. His grammar was poor and his word choice was worse. After yet another tirade in my inbox, I asked if he'd like me to take over the newsletter, make it a regular, monthly affair (with a point! - but I didn't say that part). He accepted and so it began. I interviewed our members for spotlights, did some research on different options, etc. I wrote the newsletter for about six months...then the president had what amounted to a nervous breakdown and the group was shut down. Yeah, not such a happy ending.

However, I wrote a few articles for that newsletter that I am particularly fond of re-reading. One of my favorite pastimes is to go through my computer, reading over old papers or short stories or some of my articles. Then I either marvel at my articulation or roll my eyes at the obvious flaws - sometimes both...repeatedly. And since I love to subject people to my writing (well, not all of my writing), I am going to republish those articles here - but only the ones I actually liked. Not the dumb ones. Those will never see the light of a monitor again!

The reason I've been digging through my old folders? Well, remember how I might have mentioned that "wanting another baby"-thing once, twice, or maybe more? Yeah. That's not going so well. In fact, if the details wouldn't make you gag and possibly throw up a little, I'd share them. But I won't. Instead, I'll say that I have another fertility consultation with my OB, who will once again refer me to a specialist (because I am that screwed up, fertility-speaking) but I have no idea who that might be since my last specialist is currently in jail. Yeah, there's another interesting post for ya... So I gots da babies on da brain!