"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

Monday, December 17, 2007

Name Them One By One

I've stopped the happy pills. I know, I know...after I fought so hard to get them back, I stopped on my own. Here's the thing: I want a baby. Happy pills make me happy but do not make a baby happy. I had to stop eventually. Going cold turkey on those things feels more like a nervous breakdown than anything else I've felt. Doing it this way instead, I tampered them off slowly. The last one I took was the morning I had a distressing dream and felt like a wounded puppy all day. That pill seemed to help a little, reminding me that my imagination is far too active.

The panic attacks have gotten easier to handle. I've tried the counting to 10 method, breathing deeply or closing my eyes (which sometimes made it worse). What I found really helps? Counting my blessings. I know my attacks are completely irrational but I have to show myself that even given a worse-case/impossible scenario, I am still very fortunate.

So here's how one went last night as I was getting into bed and thinking about the upcoming trip: We're staying in a motel and debating whether or not it's worth it to bring the port-a-crib for the Boy. There is a sofa bed and we intend to put da Boo on it. It's large enough for two. So here's how my train of thought spirals out of control: The Boy might like to sleep on a "big boy" bed - but he might roll off - so I'll place the sofa cushions on the floor so he won't bonk his precious little head - but he might still get hurt, even doing that - there could be a pen on the floor - or a hypodermic needle left by a previous guest who was also a drug addict - the needle could poke out his eye - then he'd be blind for life!

Yes, that completely makes sense. And it could happen, right? This is where I take the breaths and start counting. For each number, I name a blessing and by the time I get to five, my heart is no longer pounding and I am thinking rationally again, even rolling my eyes at myself. Good ol' wacky imagination getting the best of me.

For a much more interesting take on what it's like to spiral out of control, read this.


Amanda said...

YOu make me laugh (that should make ya happy cause not a lot makes me laugh right now!) Bring the pack n' play and you can choose when ya get there:) So you don't need to fret over it yet! I am proud of you for weaning off when I have heard it is very hard....I hope you get that baby cooking very soon:)

Emma said...

I weaned myself of and had a breaksdown. I have been on them ever since, including during my second pregnancy. I just prayed that the baby would be safe and unaffected by the pill. He is healthy, a wonderful blessing. Good luck. Glad you came up with a solution to your anxiety attacks. Merry Christmas!

Heather said...

Do you have one of those gate thingies that keep your kids from falling off the bed? We just grab those guys and off we go.

If you don't have one I'll be happy to lend you mine.

And where, pray tell, are you going?

The Kenney Family said...

Jessica, I wanted to tell you, I found that post where you linked to Navel Gazing at it's finest, and that is HILARIOUS! Do you read it regularly, her post tonight, about the birthday party was the best.
BTW I agree, bring the portacrib so you can decide there, and if you're feeling like taking that big step, let him sleep in the couch bed with da boo...I'm sure he'll be fine.

Debi said...

Jessie, When you get old....you won't have to worry about those kind of things.... :) (I worried over my kids, too) Good luck on your trip.

Kristie said...

Have a great trip!! I say take the pack and play too! Aaron can climb out of his though! Hence the new big boy bed! You could always take the mattress off of the sofa sleeper and sleep both kids on the floor that way! Then, no one will fall off!

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