Name Them One By One

I've stopped the happy pills. I know, I know...after I fought so hard to get them back, I stopped on my own. Here's the thing: I want a baby. Happy pills make me happy but do not make a baby happy. I had to stop eventually. Going cold turkey on those things feels more like a nervous breakdown than anything else I've felt. Doing it this way instead, I tampered them off slowly. The last one I took was the morning I had a distressing dream and felt like a wounded puppy all day. That pill seemed to help a little, reminding me that my imagination is far too active.

The panic attacks have gotten easier to handle. I've tried the counting to 10 method, breathing deeply or closing my eyes (which sometimes made it worse). What I found really helps? Counting my blessings. I know my attacks are completely irrational but I have to show myself that even given a worse-case/impossible scenario, I am still very fortunate.

So here's how one went last night as I was getting into bed and thinking about the upcoming trip: We're staying in a motel and debating whether or not it's worth it to bring the port-a-crib for the Boy. There is a sofa bed and we intend to put da Boo on it. It's large enough for two. So here's how my train of thought spirals out of control: The Boy might like to sleep on a "big boy" bed - but he might roll off - so I'll place the sofa cushions on the floor so he won't bonk his precious little head - but he might still get hurt, even doing that - there could be a pen on the floor - or a hypodermic needle left by a previous guest who was also a drug addict - the needle could poke out his eye - then he'd be blind for life!

Yes, that completely makes sense. And it could happen, right? This is where I take the breaths and start counting. For each number, I name a blessing and by the time I get to five, my heart is no longer pounding and I am thinking rationally again, even rolling my eyes at myself. Good ol' wacky imagination getting the best of me.

For a much more interesting take on what it's like to spiral out of control, read this.