Dear Dora the Explorer's Parents,
Are you freakin' nuts? How can you possibly send your five-year-old child out into the wilderness with only a backpack - that shows bulimic tendencies - and a monkey? And seriously, has the monkey had all his shots? (Might want to check into that, as attached as he is to your daughter...) Don't you know it's dangerous out there? Forget about pedophiles and on-coming traffic! Your neighborhood has trolls, weird wizards, goo-spouting geysers, and not-so-nice witches. Not to mention the kleptomanic fox that keeps showing up. You should look into setting her up with a tazer gun or at least some decent pepper spray.
And while you're at it, you might want to get her hearing tested. Maybe you don't notice but that kid shouts everything. I'm not sure her eyes are that great, either. I mean, she can't even tell where all the pieces of the ladder are when they're laying right there in front of her! And if she really knows all the answers about what to do and where to go, then why does she keep asking my kids for help? Hey, my kids can't even dress themselves without something on backwards and she expects them to find a way past spiders, snakes, and crazed turkeys. That's not exactly careful planning, now is it? I suggest replacing the ridiculously vague dancing map with a state-of-the-art GPS navigation system. Then she'll have a calm voice to guide her around all the obstacles, along with a handy estimation of her arrival time. I tell ya, those things are genius!
A soggy-brained parent whose IQ might have been higher before watching this show
You might want to discourage her friendship with that squirrel fellow. I'm not saying he's doing anything illegal but he always seems to show up with some fancy new ride just when she's looking for one...you know what I'm saying?
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