"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Unsupervised Child

Dear Dora the Explorer's Parents,

Are you freakin' nuts? How can you possibly send your five-year-old child out into the wilderness with only a backpack - that shows bulimic tendencies - and a monkey? And seriously, has the monkey had all his shots? (Might want to check into that, as attached as he is to your daughter...) Don't you know it's dangerous out there? Forget about pedophiles and on-coming traffic! Your neighborhood has trolls, weird wizards, goo-spouting geysers, and not-so-nice witches. Not to mention the kleptomanic fox that keeps showing up. You should look into setting her up with a tazer gun or at least some decent pepper spray.

And while you're at it, you might want to get her hearing tested. Maybe you don't notice but that kid shouts everything. I'm not sure her eyes are that great, either. I mean, she can't even tell where all the pieces of the ladder are when they're laying right there in front of her! And if she really knows all the answers about what to do and where to go, then why does she keep asking my kids for help? Hey, my kids can't even dress themselves without something on backwards and she expects them to find a way past spiders, snakes, and crazed turkeys. That's not exactly careful planning, now is it? I suggest replacing the ridiculously vague dancing map with a state-of-the-art GPS navigation system. Then she'll have a calm voice to guide her around all the obstacles, along with a handy estimation of her arrival time. I tell ya, those things are genius!


Sincerely,
A soggy-brained parent whose IQ might have been higher before watching this show

P.S.
You might want to discourage her friendship with that squirrel fellow. I'm not saying he's doing anything illegal but he always seems to show up with some fancy new ride just when she's looking for one...you know what I'm saying?

25 comments:

Me said...

You are Hilarious! You always make me laugh..and I love it!

Lucky me..my boys won't have anything to do with Ms. Dora or Diego. I on the other hand have to deal with that darn monkey..George. Agh!

Kristina P. said...

I need to start watching this show immediately!

SO said...

She totally shouts everything. I'm glad my little girl has pretty much moved on from Dora.

The Slothower Family said...

You crack me up!!!! Kalani and I make fun of that show all the time. So funny!

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

You mean we're actually supposed to supervise our children more than Dora's parents?! I thought they were the new standard of parenting expectations! I'll have to invest in some tazer guns now....

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

I only watch it for the creative song lyrics,
"Backpack backpack! Backpack backpack!"

and

"I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the map, I'm the Map..I'm the Map!"

Nat said...

Ha ha ha! Love it!

Nat said...

Here I am...still on the internet! To answer your question:

I have sold a few aprons to friends and family. I have thought about selling on Etsy, but there are about a million aprons selling there, so I don't know if mine would sell.

I am also not sure about selling, because I don't want sewing to become a chore. I guess I could always try. We'll see. If you know of anyone needing a cute apron, send them my way! :)

Fiauna said...

I'm so glad you called her parents out on this one. She's a terrible example to my kids. Suddenly they think I should let them wander around with a strange backpack and wild animals, too. Kids these days, I tell ya.

:Jan the crazy lady: said...

I am so glad I don't hear that blaring on the tv anymore. I used to laugh though. Swipey no Swipey.

Scared Mattie half to death.

Janell said...

I like to think of the jungle as manifestation of a child's imagination and the monkey as a personification of parental support.

Um. Ok, my entire Dora experience is limited to wanting to stuff my ears with cotton while my roommate in the next room babysat her toddler-niece for the evening. The only benefit is that my Spanish vocabulary was increased to 15 words with the oh-so-useful word, "penguino."

Melanie J said...

Swiper, no swiping!

And the P.S. killed me.

Lorie said...

Ah man!

That was funny!

Josie said...

That is SOOOOO funny!!

Amber said...

MAP!! (Have you seen the Brian Regan sketch on the creation of the I'm the Map song?)

Bobie said...

That's funny. I can't stand that show.

Jessica said...

We don't even watch Dora but I am laughing so hard! Great job.

4riddles said...

I figure I better comment one of these times since I have been sneaking a peak for a few months now.
This one had me rolling.
I have heard that they are thinking of having her "Grow Up". Crazy...a pre-teen with mood swings out in the wilderness on her own.
Now that may be a show I can relate to.

amelia said...

Thank you for pointing out the craziness that is Dora.

Bonnie the Boss said...

I first have to say AMEN to Lola, I mean really they should fire their song writers!
That has to be one of the funniest posts of yours I have read.

Kimberly said...

Your comment at Diapers and Divinity today made me giggle because hey, totally the same deal at my house. And then I peek on over and laugh so loud I nearly wake my kids up.

BRILLIANT post!

Mary said...

I just spewed my drink! Freaking cracked me up! Dora and that yelling, how annoying!

I mentioned you on my blog today :) Go see what you bought with your blog birthday target card - you gave a gift to a baby who doesn't have much cuz her mommy and daddy are just starting out and learning as they go. This baby's mommy just turned 18 and her mother just passed away. She squealed with joy over your blog's generosity and the gift. See what ya did?! Thanks!

Amanda said...

That is hilarious!! Seriously, an awesome post!

Deborah said...

OK, thanks Jess for writing that...it was brilliant. I've been thinking the same thing all these years but you have the gift of writing it in the most hilarious, perfect way.

Jo said...

And don't forget their medical neglect. That child clearly has something wrong with her head, and they just let it go. Tsk, tsk.

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