"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Idioms for Idiots

In keeping with my last post, I shall attempt to teach you a "life lesson." Everyone comfy? Here we go.

There's a famous idiom that says "It's like riding a bike; you never forget how."
Au contraire, mon frère...(except that I don't think there are boys who actually read my blog so that should really be Au contraire, ma soeur...but I digress...)

In this instance, I prefer the snarky remark "It's as easy as falling off a bike." The experience was a lot like this clip here: Sounds like a fun idea until things start going terribly wrong and before you know it, you are desperately trying to escape evil clones. Well, except for the clones part. No clones, evil or otherwise. But still...

Last week, we had a couple of rather lovely days. I was hyper moody and the kids were just hyper so I kicked them out of the house. Well, not really. I went with them. We took their bikes up to the path that loops around our neighborhood. During the end of the summer, the kids loved riding bikes. Da Boo was fairly decent on her two-wheeler with trainers and the Boy was just getting the concept of pedaling on his trike.

We hit the first snag when da Boo's bike helmet wouldn't go on her head. Hrmmm...you mean, heads can grow that much in one season? Oh well, we'll just squeeze it on a little harder...oops! Now she's crying. Dang it! Threaten her. Threats always work. Tell her that if she can't stop crying then we are going back in the house this minute. There...that worked. Now, let's get on the bikes.

Great. The Boy just walked right through all that deer poop. Oh well. The pedals should scrap it off his shoes, right?

Okay, on the bikes! Now, pedal! I said, Pedal! Wait...why is no one moving? Are you...are you crying again? Why? You don't remember how to pedal? Are you joking? Seriously, are you faking it? No? Oh. Ummm....well, put your feet on the pedals. No need to get snappy, young lady. You said you forgot how to pedal and I'm just trying to help. Now push forward and down. Are your pushing? Push harder. Harder. Are you even trying?

At this point I must remember that the vinyl fence that runs along this path throws all noises back towards the houses and my neighbors can probably hear every word. Deep breaths while I try to not raise my voice. The Boy decides it's easier to push his trike with his feet ala Fred Flintstone and he's off toward the park. Maybe it's time for another threat...

More tears ensue as does more deep breathing. Finally, through clenched teeth, I tell her to turn her bike around. She melts into full-on sobs before I can explain that by turning around she will be going downhill, which is actually easier. Amidst her pitiful wails, she does as instructed and slowly starts to move, gathering speed. Gathering more speed...doing a little too much gathering, at which point she starts to freak out and I have to grab the back of her bike to slow her down before she attempts leaping from it to escape her impending doom. Okay, let's try that again...

By the end of the second trip down the slight downgrade, she magically remembers how to pedal and resumes doing such. We continue our trip to the park. The Boy is already halfway there at his slow rate. After a little while playing, the wind has picked up and we decide to head home to have a snack. Most of the way home was at a slight downhill angle and therefore, there were no tears from any of us. By the time we are in sight of the house, I have selected which chocolate-covered item I will immediately consume to congratulate myself on not losing it over the non-pedaling debacle. It's only when I am slowing da Boo's bike as she heads down a bump that I observe the Boy. He is pedaling! At least someone was listening to my instructions!


I think next time we'll practice slowing the bikes by backpedaling. But I'm gonna need more chocolate.

8 comments:

Amber said...

Sigh. Did you hear that from my house to your house? SIGH S.I.G.H

I've been trying to be a good mom and good to myself at the same time. I've been walking with a neighbor and then we end up at the park to let the kids play. Her two year old is ready and willing, but my girls? They sit in the stroller huddled under blankets complaining about the cold. I don't even want to talk about last week when I tried to convince Megan to ride her bike to the park and she stopped halfway because it was 'too hard'. (The park is about 2 1/2 blocks from our house).

Amanda said...

LOL!!!!!!!! Thanks for typing that up for us! I needed a laugh:)

Lucy said...

This brings flashbacks back from when we taught our oldest to ride a bike. Shudder. We're in for round two this summer with our middle child and I'm kind of dreading it. I don't do the run beside wobbly and mixed speed bike very well.

Sounds like you are a dedicated teacher:)

Jan said...

I can always count on you to start me out giggling. Thanks.

Jo said...

The nice weather must be at fault. I am thrilled to hear I am not the only mother snarling through gritted teeth, "push the dang pedal" and thinking to myself, oh my gosh, how you can forget how to pedal??? With a few nasty thought words thrown in at the end. grrr.

Debi said...

Smile....I remember those days! Have fun....

Kristie said...

I laughed so hard when I read this!! It sounded just like me!!! Once again, you are an excellent writer and know just how to word things to make it seem like I was there!!!!

Tausha said...

oh the joy of having children who teach us many, many things. i don't know about you, but the main thing that my children have taught me is, that chocolate and diet coke are a food group for moms. i am sure that you will not disagree or any other mother on the planet! Thanks for laugh-i really love your blog and your style, you really are gifted at this stuff!

Blog Archive