Just kidding. It's not that kind of scary. It's the kind where your soul is nervous; not where you fear for your mortality but for the eternity of someone else.
I don't think I would have made a good missionary. In fact, I am pretty sure I would have been awful. But my papers were ready to go. All I needed was the dentist to sign off on my teeth (I don't have my lower wisdom teeth so there was nothing to be extracted). Still, I hesitated. Then I met the Man and my paperwork was forgotten. Sometimes I still wish I had been a missionary, to have lived the gospel and the scriptures every day for 18 months. I know I have a testimony but I think I wanted the devotion.
I've gotta explain something here: When I get nervous, I shake. If I'm nervous enough, it's like I'm having convulsions. I feel sorry for the anesthesiologist whenever I'm about to have surgery. And if I am really nervous, I start to cry. And we all knows what happens when I start crying...no one can understand a word I am saying. Yeah...so there's the background. I'll just say that I have never, ever been so nervous as when I am trying to tell someone about the Church, trying to tell a little of what I know to be true.
I have tried to share the gospel before. It's something that is so precious to me, how could I not want to share? I tried telling my best friend about it when we were freshmen in high school. Her response was to invite me to her youth group where her church leaders proceeded to explain to everyone why Mormons have it all wrong. We didn't stay friends much longer (but that could also be because she stole my boyfriend...). Then in college, I tried again with a best friend. She met with the missionaries, asked a few questions but that was it. I felt like a failure. At least we are still close. I went to see her and another good friend a little while ago. Before the trip, I bought a Book of Mormon to give for each of them. I prayed about it, thought about it the entire trip but in the end, I just didn't feel right about giving those books at that time. I couldn't. Completely chickened out. I packed the books back into my luggage and hid them in my dresser when I got home.
But still, I found myself wanting to give them to someone...seemed so lonely hiding there, without anyone reading through, finding the scriptures that spoke to them, no one to say "Yes! This is what I have felt all along! Finally!" So I prayed again...hoping to find the books a good home.
To be continued....