"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Honesty is the Best Policy

Honesty really is the best policy in a marriage. Especially since your kids are going to rat you out anyway.

The other day, I was away from home and the Man was spending some quality time with the kids when one of them said a word not permitted in our home. Immediately, the Man correcting the rule-breaker. Deciding to use the opportunity as a lesson, he asked them "Do you ever hear Mommy and Daddy saying those words?"

Instead of the emphatic "No" response, the kids had a different story.

"Mommy said a bad word."

What? Concealing the shock of a suspected imperfection in my otherwise flawless character (had to try hard not to snort while typing that), the Man questioned them further.

When? "The other day when we were going to the Boy's piano lesson."
Where? "In the garage."

While soaking this in, the kids added the final blow. "She said it when she broke the mirror off the van backing out of the garage."


It's been so cold around here that things have been snapping left and right, like the edge on the snow shovel, an outdoor planter, my temper…so when I told the Man that my passenger side mirror had broken off (again), he had no cause to question further. Until the kids told him the entire story.

And really, I ought to know better than to attempt anything other than the complete truth around here. After all, my memory is so sketchy that I might just forget what falsehood I've spread. It's just easier to stick to the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Please help me...

Monday, January 21, 2013

How to be Bionic in Three Easy Steps

"How are you bionic?"
I get asked this question a lot. As if my flowing locks of hair and the cool noises I make when jumping really high isn't enough of an explanation. (If you're confused by that, go here, but don't tell me because you'll just make me feel old.)

Step 1: Get a tumor. But not just any tumor. It's gotta be a rare kind, one that eats all the cartilage and most of the bone in a major joint, like, say your right shoulder, but only if you're right handed.

Step 2: Find a doctor that is on the cutting edge of orthopedics, one with highly specialized skills that you wouldn't be able to find anywhere else, except at the exact moment you need them.

Step 3: Regain the use of the damaged joint through the implantation of manufactured pieces.

Side effects may include forever setting off metal detectors, feeling the change in barometric pressure before the weatherman reports it, and the tendency to clang like a bell when someone jokingly smacks you in the shoulder. Or other major joint.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Mothering Moment: Getting Pulled Over

The other day, I was driving home after taking my kids to music lessons and we were having an interesting conversation (about what kinds of babies mythical beasts would have…you know, the important topics). I was less than a block from home when I noticed flashing lights behind me. I changed into the far left lane, letting the policeman pass me to catch the bad guys. He pulled right behind me.

Uh oh. I was the bad guy.

Apparently, while discussing the complex offspring of a mermaid and a phoenix, I had stopped at a red light. However, instead of waiting for the light to change, I treated it more like a stop sign, waited a moment, and then drove right through. As if that wasn't bad enough, the cop had been in the next lane and I had passed right by him without noticing.

Well, it was a fascinating discussion with three kids, ages 10 and under, and their quirky perspectives.

After the policeman took my license and registration back to his car (laughing under his breath), the kids start in on me.

Baby: Are you gonna get arrested?
Yes, Baby, because your mother's misspent youth as a street thug has finally caught up with her in Suburbia.

Boy: You deserve to get a ticket.
Gee, thanks. And you probably deserve to be grounded for some reason that I've currently forgotten, but will nonetheless enforce.

Boo: Wow, Mom. You're really setting a great example for us.
Et tu, Boo-te? (But props on the elegant use of sarcasm.) And she totally started the conversation, so really, this is all her fault.

Fortunately, I was let go with just a warning (and the cop was still laughing). It was really lucky for me, considering it was the Man's birthday and the trendy shirt I got him would be disappointing enough to my fashion-impaired spouse without the added pain of an expensive traffic ticket.

Moral of the story:
Contemplate the troubles of a water-born creature that bursts into flames, but keep an eye on the traffic signals.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Two of my Favorite Things!

Books and Swaps!

Angie and Beth, the beauty and brains behind CG Swaps, are having another Books n' Bloggers Swap! Since I got such amazing books the last go around, I jumped right on this one.

But I'm always a little hesitant when swapping books with strangers. Since I read mainly dork books (i.e.: werewolves, ghosts, magic, etc. Dork stuff), I mainly like to receive dork books. While I like some mainstream fiction, I'm not a fan of non-fiction. And books where the plot revolves around the characters jumping in bed? Not my cup of tea. At. All. Send me Fifty Shades of Gray and I'll respond with fifty shades of puke. But Beth and Angie have given me great partners in all of their swaps so I'm just gonna have to trust them.

There's still time to sign up! Go here and read the instructions. And who knows? Maybe you'll get to send me a dork book! 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Teaser Tuesday: Briar Rose

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:
• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share a few “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Do you have an immense To Be Read pile? One that takes over an entire shelf and maybe squeezes into the kids' books, too? I do. But how can I resist a book that sounds really interesting, or that a good friend recommends…or even a complete stranger? Because sometimes those complete strangers really know what they're talking about. So I've been trying to go through some of those books. Briar Rose was recommended to me by a computer. And while all the single males it might have referred me to while in college didn't work out, this time those circuits get it right.

Becca, the youngest of three sisters, always begged her grandmother Gemma to tell the story of Briar Rose (or Sleeping Beauty to you Disney-indoctrinated folk). So when on her deathbed, Gemma leaves a haunting confession, Becca promises to find the truth, crossing the globe to do so. Because what if Gemma was telling the truth? What if the old Jewish woman really was Briar Rose?

Here's the Teaser:
She attempted a smile. "Fairy tales always have a happy ending." 
He leaned back in his chair. "That depends." 
"On what?" 
"On whether you are Rumplestiltskin or the Queen."
- pg. 106, Briar Rose by Jane Yolen

What are you reading?

Monday, January 7, 2013

MM: Radioactive

The Snowman introduced me to several new bands while staying with us. My two new favorites are Mumford & Sons and Imagine Dragons. "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons is such a fascinating song to me that I'm actually writing a short story inspired by it. The video is kinda crazy, but I gotta say that I like it!

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals

I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
It's a revolution, I suppose
We're painted red to fit right in

I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison bus
This is it, the apocalypse

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

All systems go, the sun hasn't died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm radioactive, radioactive

What song are you loving?

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