How to be Bionic in Three Easy Steps

"How are you bionic?"
I get asked this question a lot. As if my flowing locks of hair and the cool noises I make when jumping really high isn't enough of an explanation. (If you're confused by that, go here, but don't tell me because you'll just make me feel old.)

Step 1: Get a tumor. But not just any tumor. It's gotta be a rare kind, one that eats all the cartilage and most of the bone in a major joint, like, say your right shoulder, but only if you're right handed.

Step 2: Find a doctor that is on the cutting edge of orthopedics, one with highly specialized skills that you wouldn't be able to find anywhere else, except at the exact moment you need them.

Step 3: Regain the use of the damaged joint through the implantation of manufactured pieces.

Side effects may include forever setting off metal detectors, feeling the change in barometric pressure before the weatherman reports it, and the tendency to clang like a bell when someone jokingly smacks you in the shoulder. Or other major joint.